Title: Filling the Hole (Part One) (Part Two)
Author: winbesters
Word Count: 2249
Character(s): Sonny/Reader
Summary: Some bottled up emotions make their debut.
Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Abandonment, Cursing, Mentions of rape
A/N: Remember, if you read this, please like, reblog, or shoot me a message so I’ll know! I will only keep updating if I know people are reading!
“The crime scene was a bust. No evidence left behind anywhere. The only thing we’re going on is the semen found inside Georgia and that’ll take time to process,” Your voice had reached the squad room before your body which met Rollins and Finn who were filing paperwork at their desks, waiting for your return. Carisi was close behind you, unfortunately.
You took to the marker board and began writing evidence on the white space and attaching photos of Georgia and her battle scars. You relayed the information back to the two while Carisi sat quietly in his chair, focusing on your hand that was scribbling about.
“So, you’re saying that you think the mother might have some information?” Rollins stared at you quizzically as Finn shuffled in his seat. The office was bustling in the background like a lively street in the heart of the Bronx.
You nodded your head and began to tap the marker in your hand. “Yes, I do. Something about her was odd. Most parents lunge at the police to find the sicko who attacked their child, but she didn’t. She just sat there, not saying anything. Something about her was off. Right, Carisi?”
Sonny nodded his head slightly to show he was engaging in the conversation, but you knew that he wasn’t fully there. You were trying to escape the truth that began to ring in your mind that you might have hurt his feelings. You didn’t want to feel bad, but you couldn’t help it. Maybe you shouldn’t have been so harsh on him. After all, it was his first day at SVU, and if you recall, you’ve said similar things, if not worse. But now was not the time. There was a rapist on the loose.
“What are you saying?” Amanda interjected. “Do you wanna bring the mother in?”
You bit your lip in thought. “Not yet. We just saw them at the hospital. Carisi and I will go to their home tomorrow and poke around for anything out of the ordinary. After that, we’ll reign her in,” You continued as you sat down in your desk chair.
Amanda stood up from her desk and stretched, preparing herself for a well-earned trip to the vending machine. “Alright. Well, Finn and I already interviewed the guests and staff at the party and of course, no one saw anything,” She said with irritation obviously trailing her words. “You would think that they would have noticed the birthday girl missing for ten minutes straight…Do you want anything from the machine? I’m going downstairs to the better one,”
Finn jumped from his chair and pulled up his falling jeans. “You mean the one with the unhealthy stuff? I’m in,” He joked as he and Amanda left the room. You swiveled your chair back around and tidied up the papers that were left laying on your desk, but you couldn’t help but notice Carisi’s tense face from behind your computer monitor. His desk was still bare because he hadn’t had the chance to decorate yet, but you knew even those distractions couldn’t have kept you from notice the expression on his face. What was this emotion that was hitting you? Was it guilt? Oh, my God, it was. It was good, old fashioned guilt. For months, you haven’t felt a single emotion at work except for anger. Anger towards Nick. You knew it was senseless to hold on to that grudge you held so strongly to like a teddy bear at night, but you couldn’t let it go. You also knew you couldn’t project that anger onto an innocent man who has done nothing but been excited about working with you. You had never been great at accepting when you were wrong, but this time you had to make an exception. If this partner didn’t work out, you were sure that you would either be transferred or fired, so you had to make it work. Or at least, that’s the lie you told yourself so you felt better about actually processing your emotions for once.
You stood up from your chair and peered down at Carisi whose hand was steadily scrolling through the web with his mouse. His eyes were wrinkled in concentration at whatever he was studying, probably a video of that mugging street rat he had mentioned earlier.
“Carisi, can you help me with something in the break room?” You asked him. You had never been a good liar which is why you’re never asked to go undercover, but thankfully it worked this time. Maybe because you weren’t pressured to do great or you’d get shot?
Sonny obliged and raised himself up from his chair, following you into the break room. You let him enter first like Olivia had done for you earlier that day, then quickly followed suit and shut the door. Carisi turned to look at you, hands tucked into his pants pockets. A look of irritation was resting on his face while he glared at you with obvious hurt feelings tucked away within the creases of his face. You folded your arms over your chest in emotional defense and began to speak in a way that you hadn’t done in a long time.
“I’m sorry,” You plainly said, staring at him. He just kept his eyes fixated on you as if he were expecting more, but you weren’t sure what to say. Nothing that your head concocted felt right for the situation. “I took my anger out on you and that wasn’t okay. I’m sorry,” You apologized again with a tone of regret in your voice. You looked down at the ground like a wounded puppy afraid to be hit by its master.
Sonny shook his head in disbelief as a pained, small grin grew on his lips. “Anger from what? What did I do to piss you off within the five hours that we’ve known each other? Am I that fucking intolerable to you?”
Sonny showcased a side of him that you had yet to see and although his words stung, you found it exciting. You felt like you were breaking through the wall of enthusiasm that Carisi had built around himself. However, you still felt your anger boiling underneath your skin like a forgotten pot of water on the stove. How dare he assume that he is so important to cause you so much frustration?
You stuck your finger out towards him in irritation. “You don’t know the fucking half of it, Carisi,” You shook your head, turning your back towards the increasingly defensive entity behind you. You kicked the vending machine with the tip of your boot, causing a violent sound to break the tension.
Sonny stretched out his arms from his sides and you turned to look at him, expanding his ligaments. “Then tell me, because if we don’t get past this now, then this isn’t gonna work out. And I know you want this to for the sake of your job and I want this to for the sake of helping people, so just tell me!” His voice rose from an argumentative tone to practically a shout, but neither of you cared if the people outside could hear.
You could feel the heat reaching your ears and turning them redder than blood as you charged towards him, hitting his chest with your palms in an abusive pattern as you spoke. “You wanna know why I’ve been treating you like shit? Huh? Because the last partner I had treated me like fucking dirt in the end! I trusted him and I had never trusted a man before and what did he do? Leave! Like every other person in my life! So why on earth would I be okay with another fucking man coming in to just repeat that same painful process of making me feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on by a stampede? So that is why I treat you like shit, because I don’t want another fucking man hurting me like him. So fuck you, and fuck Nick, too,” You released the emotions that were compacted within you for so long, which were now being catapulted from your tongue like cannonballs. The frustration that had kept you up at night, the abandonment that made you sob in the shower…it was all making itself known in this very moment and you were finally, fully aware of the damage that Nick brought upon you with his departure. No man in your life had ever cared about you like he did, treated you as well as he did, or loved you as purely as he did. There was not just a hole across from your desk when he fled, but a hole in your life and your heart that was incapable of being sewn back shut.
Your fists ceased to pound into the helpless man’s chest as you lunged your way over to the door and exited the tense area and back into the squad room. You strode past your fellow cops that were grazing over take out that someone had generously bought, trying your best to avoid eye contact with anyone. You felt tears start to bubble in your eyes like a witches brew about to explode when you finally made it to the bunk room. You plopped down onto one of the beds that were often used for cops on the job to take cat naps if needed, but there was no way in hell you would be able to sleep. Not after that.
You sat alone in the dark room of beds, head in your hands that were moistened by your tears. You were thankful no one was in there to observe you in your weakest state: letting loose emotions that had been lodged in your mind like bullets for months. It is one thing to be scarred by a man at a young age and to no longer trust them, but it was another kind of torture to finally trust again and have that beautiful savior flee across the country to the West. You felt abandoned, like a puppy at a shelter, and now you finally were accepting that he was gone. Every tear felt like a memory that you had with him: taking turns sleeping during stake outs, bringing you your favorite food when you were having a bad day, letting you cry on his shoulder when cases got to you. All of that was gone and now you were finally accepting it. You had been in denial for so long that a man had hurt you once again, but now the anger of the situation had flowed through and was revealing sadness that was hidden behind a façade of bad assery.
While all these thoughts were going through your head, the door to the bunk room shyly opened to reveal Sonny standing in the doorway. He crept in silently, walking on tiptoes and sat down next to you on the bed. You knew he was there, but still you didn’t stop crying. It was too late to build another emotional dam, and maybe that was for the best. After a few more moments of silence, you picked your head up and wiped away the tears underneath your eyes like annoying gnats on a hot summer day. You fixed your posture and faced Sonny, but with your eyes to the floor.
“I’m sorry,” You began, but he cut you off prematurely. His hand rose and placed itself on your back in an encouraging manner.
“No. Don’t you apologize to me. I understand that you were being a little less than pleasant-,” Sonny spoke softly, but you gave him a sarcastic smirk.
“Alright, you were a bitch,” You nodded in approval at the modified description. “But I understand now that you were being that way as a defense mechanism. You don’t wanna be hurt again, and I get that. This Nick guy sounds like he did a number on you, but from what I’ve seen these past couple of hours, you’re strong enough to move past it. You were brave enough to put a rat in that one guy’s desk, so why can’t you heal from this?”
You shot up and raised your palms to your chest as if you were surrendering. “Hey, it was never proven that was me,”
Sonny nodded his head and chuckled softly. “Alright, alright. But I want you to know, whatever heartbreak you felt when Nick left, you’re not gonna experience with me. When I took an oath to protect and serve, I also made a promise to be there for my partner and risk my life for them. I’m not gonna leave you. Someone would have to kill me before I abandoned you,”
You could hear real sincerity in his voice, a kindness that you have rarely heard from a man. You craned your head to face him and gave him a polite smile that didn’t do justice for the warmth you felt in your chest. You felt like he was being candidly honest, and it heated your bones down to the core with a sensation of safety and reliance.
Of course, you weren’t going to let him know you’re a softy, so you rolled your eyes and stood up from the bunk, wiping away the remaining residue of your tears. “God, I’m stuck with you for life?” You retorted sarcastically.
Sonny rose with a smirk on his face. “Seems like it, doll,” He replied, placing his hand on your back once again, escorting you out of the room.
